leslie's index

Number of days since I got the news that my best friend, Troy, is dead: 95

Number of years that he was my best friend: 21.2

Number of times in the 24 hours following the news that I visited his Facebook page to confirm it was true: 16

Number of days since his memorial service: 91

Number of times since his memorial service that I have visited his Facebook page: 4

Estimated number of times since his memorial service that I have yawned while visiting Facebook in general because it is boring as fuck: 1,000,003

Average number of times I think of him in a given day: 8

Estimated number of times I cry when thinking of him in a given day: 3

Actual number of days I haven’t cried at least once since I found out he is dead: 2

Factor by which my tears turn to laughter when thinking of him: 4:1

Rough percentage of time we spent laughing when we were together: 92%

Number of times since his death that I’ve tried to emulate him telling his infamous “New Orleans Walgreens pussy product” story: 5

Number of times I’ve nailed the pussy product purchaser’s accent as well as Troy did: 0

Percentage of times the listener humors me and laughs anyway: 99.9

Number of times a day I say that I’m 99.9% sure of something: 3

Number of times, calculated over one year, that I am actually 99.9% sure when I say it: 2.8

Chances that I will finally pull it together and buy a proper vessel for Troy’s ashes: 1 in 4

Chances that visitors to my house think it’s really weird that they are still in a diced pimientos jar: 4 in 4

Number of times I’ve cooked with diced pimientos in the last year: 1

Likelihood that Troy and I will cook our signature poached salmon dish together again: 0 in 0

Percentage of time I’ll wish we could: 100